And All This From Your Pride

You are mistaken, my dear Alyosha, – he said with a straight face, which had never before Alyosha has ever seen – with an expression of a young sincerity and strong irresistibly frank feeling – never Katerina Ivanovna did not love me! She knew all the time that I love her, even though I never said a word to her of my love, – she knew, but she did not love. I did not was her friend ever, for a single day: a proud woman was not needed in my friendship. She kept me with her for continuous vengeance. She took revenge to me and on me for all the insults that she constantly and every moment endured during the whole term from Dmitry, insults since their first meeting … Because the very first meeting remained in her heart as an insult. That’s what her heart is! All the time I did nothing that would listen about her love for him. I am now going, but you know, Katerina Ivanovna, that you really love only him. And by as many insults from him more and more. That is your anguish. You just love him as he is, him-offending-you you love him. If he reformed, you would throw him at once and out of love at all. But you need him to contemplate continually your heroic fidelity and to reproach him for infidelity. And all this from your pride. Oh, there’s a lot of belittling and humiliation, but it is due to pride … I was too young and too fond of loving you. I know that it would not need me to tell you that it would be more dignity in my hand just go out from you; and it would be not for insulting you. But I am going far away and will not come back ever. It’s forever … I do not want to sit beside the anguish … However, I do not know how to speak, all said … Good-bye, Katerina Ivanovna, you can not be angry with me, because I am more than you punished a hundred times: punished already the one that never will see you again. Farewell. I do not need your hand. You too deliberately tormented me, that I at this moment could forgive. Then I will forgive, but now I do not need your hand…

Fedor Dostoevsky

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